I’m hard on myself in a way that hurts

Being hard on yourself can be a quiet voice that’s always judging what you do, or a feeling that nothing you do is ever good enough. It can also be not liking who you are, or hating yourself. This page covers what people describe when self-criticism is heavy, why reassurance often doesn’t help, which therapies work on it directly, and where to start.

What people describe

People describe being hard on themselves in different ways, and most don’t recognise all of them.

A voice that’s always judging. A harsh inner voice judges you and treats its criticisms as the whole story of you (healthdirect, on self-talk). It says things like I’m no good at this or I always mess things up.
Never good enough. Focusing on what’s wrong and overlooking what you’ve done well (healthdirect, on self-esteem).
Kindness that’s hard to take in. Compliments are hard to accept.
Comparing. Thinking other people are better than you.
Holding back. Avoiding challenges in case you fail.
Hating yourself. For some people, being hard on themselves goes that far.

Being very hard on yourself tends to show up alongside other difficulties, including low mood, anxiety around other people, and problems in relationships (Werner and colleagues, 2019). Things that can feed into it include a lot of criticism and not much support growing up, and being bullied or not fitting in. So can comparing yourself with other people online, and stressful changes in life.

If being hard on yourself has turned into hurting yourself, or into thoughts of suicide or of not wanting to be here, the numbers near the end of this page are there any time.

When reassurance doesn’t help

People who are very hard on themselves often find it hard to feel reassured or safe, even when things are going well (Gilbert, 2009). Some people can see the logic of a kinder way of thinking about themselves and still not feel any better. That gap between knowing and feeling is one of the things Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) A therapy developed for people with a lot of shame and self-criticism. It helps you build a supportive, caring relationship with yourself in place of a blaming, critical one. More in the jargon decoder was developed to work on.

For some people, kindness, from other people or from themselves, feels uncomfortable or even threatening (Kirby and colleagues, 2019). That reaction was most closely linked with shame and with being hard on yourself. The researchers suggest therapists ask about that reaction, because some people react badly to being asked to be kind to themselves before that’s been talked about.

If being kind to yourself feels wrong, uncomfortable or even unsafe, that’s common when you’re hard on yourself, and it’s worth telling a therapist. Working with that reaction is part of compassion-focused therapy.

What tends to help

Several approaches work on self-criticism directly, and which one suits you depends on you.

Compassion-focused therapy. Compassion-focused therapy was developed for people with a lot of shame and self-criticism, who can find it very hard to be kind to themselves (Gilbert, 2009). A review of 15 studies looked at people who were having mental health difficulties. It found that people became kinder to themselves and better able to reassure themselves, compared with people waiting for treatment (Millard and colleagues, 2023). Several of the studies also found less self-criticism and some easing of low mood. Some were small early trials, and about half didn’t report enough for the reviewers to judge how well they were run. Less is known about how things go in the longer term. It’s worth asking a therapist whether they use compassion-focused therapy, or bring compassion-based work into what they do.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) A structured, practical form of talking therapy. It's built on a simple idea: what you think affects how you feel, and both affect what you do. More in the jargon decoder (CBT). Cognitive behavioural therapy works on a simple idea: what you think affects how you feel, and both affect what you do. A review of eight studies looked at CBT designed specifically for low self-esteem. Weekly sessions, one to one or in a group, improved how people saw themselves and eased low mood (Kolubinski and colleagues, 2018). One-day workshops helped less. The results come from people’s own ratings, and it isn’t yet clear how different this is from CBT for low mood. If your self-criticism is mostly about standards, and nothing you do ever feels good enough, there’s a version of CBT for perfectionism. A review of 15 trials, with about 900 people, found it reduced perfectionism and helped with low mood and anxiety (Galloway and colleagues, 2022). This was based on a small number of trials that didn’t include comparisons with other types of therapy.
Schema therapy A longer-term talking therapy that works on deep, long-standing patterns. A schema is a deep belief about yourself and other people, formed early, that shapes how you read situations. More in the jargon decoder . Schema therapy is a longer-term therapy for long-standing patterns. One of the states it describes is a harsh inner critic, and part of the work is practising how to respond to that critic.
Internal family systems (IFS) A therapy that starts from the idea that your mind isn't one voice. It treats having different parts as normal, and works with those parts directly. More in the jargon decoder (IFS). Internal family systems works with the different parts of you, including the critical one. Self-criticism is a particular focus of IFS, but there isn’t much research yet on how well it works.

Most of the research on treating self-criticism itself has looked at therapies built around compassion, and therapies that work with emotions directly. Both reduced self-criticism (Werner and colleagues, 2019). The harshest self-criticism was harder to shift. If it’s been there a long time, it can take time to see improvement. It’s reasonable to speak to your therapist about how you might be able to track your progress.

If it goes back a long way

Sometimes being hard on yourself started early, or grew out of things that happened again and again or went on for a long time. What helps can be different then, and change often takes longer. What helps after difficult experiences that went on for a long time explains which approaches tend to help then.

Something to try in the meantime

One thing that can help is talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend who was struggling and needed support (healthdirect, on self-talk). This may feel awkward or wrong at first, because kindness can feel uncomfortable when you’re hard on yourself. It’s something to try alongside other help, not as a replacement.

Where to start

It’s worth talking to a GP (general practitioner) For most people, where getting help starts. A GP can write a Mental Health Treatment Plan, prescribe medication and refer you on, and some are trained to deliver a small number of structured therapy sessions themselves. More in the jargon decoder or a mental health professional if being hard on yourself is there most of the time. The same goes if it’s getting you down or getting in the way of daily life (healthdirect, on self-talk). You don’t have to wait until it’s worse. A GP is the usual first step.

There are several ways to pay for therapy:

Full fee. Seeing a private Psychologist Someone trained to assess mental health problems and treat them with therapy. It takes at least six years of study and supervised practice, and they're registered with Ahpra, the national regulator. Psychologists can't prescribe medication. More in the jargon decoder , Counsellor Someone trained to help people talk through and work on difficulties. The title isn't protected in Australia, so it's worth checking a counsellor's training and registration. Medicare doesn't give a rebate for counsellors. More in the jargon decoder or Psychotherapist Someone trained in therapy, often for longer-standing patterns. Like counsellor, the title isn't protected in Australia, and Medicare doesn't give a rebate for psychotherapists. More in the jargon decoder directly. Medicare Australia's public health insurance scheme. For mental health, it gives rebates on sessions with psychologists and some other professionals, usually through a Mental Health Treatment Plan. More in the jargon decoder doesn’t cover counsellors or psychotherapists.
Workplace programs. Many employers pay for a few sessions for their staff.
Community services. Non-profit organisations and local community health centres provide low-cost care.
headspace A national youth mental health service for anyone aged 12 to 25, with centres around Australia and support online and by phone. It's free or close to it, you don't need a referral or a parent, and you can book it yourself. More in the jargon decoder . headspace offers free or low-cost support for people aged 12 to 25.
Groups. Group therapy A trained professional, sometimes two, working with several people at once. It's a way of running therapy, and many approaches work in groups. More in the jargon decoder programs, which usually cost less per session.
A Mental Health Treatment Plan A document your GP writes with you. It makes you eligible for a Medicare rebate on up to ten individual sessions a calendar year: six, then a review with your GP, then the remaining four. The plan itself isn't therapy. More in the jargon decoder . Your GP assesses whether a plan suits you. A plan gives you a Medicare Rebate The amount Medicare pays back towards a session. It comes back to you after you've paid, so what you pay yourself is the fee minus the rebate. More in the jargon decoder on up to ten sessions a calendar year.

Free and low-cost options has more on each of these. If you’re under 18, Kids Helpline is there to talk to any time, and a GP or headspace can help you find someone to see.

Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800, any time, for anyone aged 5 to 25. Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and, if you’re 15 or over, the Suicide Call Back Service is on 1300 659 467. In an emergency, call 000. Crisis and emergency support has the full list.

Where next

Whichever Approach (modality) The kind of therapy someone uses, such as CBT or psychodynamic therapy. You'll also see it called a modality. More in the jargon decoder you choose, how well you and your therapist work together matters a great deal. Why who you see matters more than what they do explains why.