My relationships keep falling apart

When relationships keep ending the same way, or the same argument keeps happening with different people, you might start wondering whether the common thread is you. Noticing a pattern isn’t the same as being the cause of everything that went wrong, and patterns like these can change. This page covers what people notice, when a relationship isn’t safe, what helps, and where to start.

If a relationship is hurting you

A relationship isn’t safe if someone uses power and control, manipulation, or any kind of abuse or violence (healthdirect, on healthy relationships). Abuse isn’t always physical (healthdirect, on abusive relationships). It can mean someone you’re close to frightens you, controls your money, checks where you go and who you see, or hurts you.

It’s worth paying attention if you feel worried, unsafe or unsure around the other person. The same goes if the relationship is affecting your mental health, your confidence or your sense of who you are. If this is happening, it isn’t a pattern for you to fix in yourself, and safety comes first.

1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732, around the clock, for domestic, family and sexual violence. In an emergency, call 000.

Couples counselling is not the answer where there’s violence or coercive control. Joint sessions can make things more dangerous, because one person then has to go home with the other. When home or a relationship isn’t safe has more.

What people notice

People describe the patterns they notice in different ways, and most don’t recognise all of them.

The same ending. Relationships start well and end the same way.
The same argument. The same argument keeps happening, with different people.
Beliefs that run underneath. Schema therapy A longer-term talking therapy that works on deep, long-standing patterns. A schema is a deep belief about yourself and other people, formed early, that shapes how you read situations. More in the jargon decoder describes deep beliefs about yourself and other people that shape how you read situations. Some people put them like this: people I depend on will leave, if someone really knew me they’d pull away, or my needs matter less than everyone else’s.
Feelings that get very big. In relationships, feelings arrive hard and fast and take a long time to settle.

What tends to help

Several approaches work on patterns in relationships directly, and which one suits you depends on what the pattern is like.

Schema therapy. Schema therapy works on deep beliefs about yourself and other people, formed early. It’s a longer-term therapy for long-standing patterns, and it suits you if you notice the same relationship pattern repeating.
Psychodynamic therapy A therapy that looks at the parts of your life you can't quite see from the inside. Its core idea is that a lot of what shapes how you feel and act sits outside your awareness, and was laid down early. More in the jargon decoder . Psychodynamic therapy looks at the parts of your life you can’t quite see from the inside: why the same argument keeps happening, or why you pick the people you pick. It suits you if what you’re dealing with runs through a lot of your life, such as the same relationship ending the same way. What happens between you and your therapist is part of the work. If a pattern shows up there, it’s happening in the room, where the two of you can look at it together.
Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) A structured therapy for people whose emotions come on hard and fast, and who find it hard to settle again. It teaches practical skills, in a set order, for staying present, getting through a crisis, managing strong emotions and handling other people. More in the jargon decoder (DBT). Dialectical behaviour therapy is a structured therapy for people whose emotions come on hard and fast, and who find it hard to settle again once that happens. One of its four sets of skills is asking for things, saying no, and keeping your self-respect and the relationship intact while you do.

A review of research on short-term therapy for low mood found that people’s difficulties with other people eased over the course of therapy (McFarquhar and colleagues, 2018). In most of the studies that checked later, the improvement continued a little after therapy ended. Because few studies measured this, the reviewers describe the finding as preliminary.

Therapy is itself a relationship. If something from your other relationships starts happening with your therapist, saying so is often where the most useful work happens.

Where to start

It’s worth talking to someone if the same thing keeps happening, or if it’s affecting your mood, your work or how you see yourself. You don’t have to wait for the next relationship to end. A GP (general practitioner) For most people, where getting help starts. A GP can write a Mental Health Treatment Plan, prescribe medication and refer you on, and some are trained to deliver a small number of structured therapy sessions themselves. More in the jargon decoder is the usual first step.

Relationships Australia is a not-for-profit organisation with services in every state and territory. It offers counselling for individuals as well as for couples and families.

There are several ways to pay for therapy:

Full fee. Seeing a private Psychologist Someone trained to assess mental health problems and treat them with therapy. It takes at least six years of study and supervised practice, and they're registered with Ahpra, the national regulator. Psychologists can't prescribe medication. More in the jargon decoder , Counsellor Someone trained to help people talk through and work on difficulties. The title isn't protected in Australia, so it's worth checking a counsellor's training and registration. Medicare doesn't give a rebate for counsellors. More in the jargon decoder or Psychotherapist Someone trained in therapy, often for longer-standing patterns. Like counsellor, the title isn't protected in Australia, and Medicare doesn't give a rebate for psychotherapists. More in the jargon decoder directly, with no limit on the number of sessions. Medicare Australia's public health insurance scheme. For mental health, it gives rebates on sessions with psychologists and some other professionals, usually through a Mental Health Treatment Plan. More in the jargon decoder doesn’t cover counsellors or psychotherapists.
Workplace programs. Many employers pay for a few sessions for their staff.
Community services. Non-profit organisations and local community health centres provide low-cost care.
headspace A national youth mental health service for anyone aged 12 to 25, with centres around Australia and support online and by phone. It's free or close to it, you don't need a referral or a parent, and you can book it yourself. More in the jargon decoder . headspace offers free or low-cost support for people aged 12 to 25.
Groups. Group therapy A trained professional, sometimes two, working with several people at once. It's a way of running therapy, and many approaches work in groups. More in the jargon decoder programs usually cost less per session.
A Mental Health Treatment Plan A document your GP writes with you. It makes you eligible for a Medicare rebate on up to ten individual sessions a calendar year: six, then a review with your GP, then the remaining four. The plan itself isn't therapy. More in the jargon decoder . Your GP assesses whether a plan suits you. A plan gives you a Medicare Rebate The amount Medicare pays back towards a session. It comes back to you after you've paid, so what you pay yourself is the fee minus the rebate. More in the jargon decoder on up to ten sessions a calendar year.

Free and low-cost options has more on each of these. If you’re under 18 and things with friends, family or someone you’re seeing are hard, Kids Helpline is there to talk to any time. A GP or headspace can also help you find someone to see.

If things are difficult right now, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service is on 1300 659 467, and Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800 for anyone aged 5 to 25. In an emergency, call 000. Crisis and emergency support has the full list.

Where next

For patterns in relationships, the relationship with your therapist is part of the work, so fit matters a great deal. Why who you see matters more than what they do explains why.