When they’re not going to change

You may have spent months or years trying to support someone who drinks, gets angry, is low, or acts in ways that hurt the people around them. They might not see a problem, or they may not want help. You might be worn out, and feel all sorts of things about them. Whether or not there’s a name for what they’re going through, what matters here is what they do and what it’s doing to you. This page covers an adult’s right not to seek help, when safety comes first, looking after yourself, and what getting help for yourself can involve.

Their choice, and yours

Guidelines agreed by people with lived experience, carers and mental health professionals say an adult has the right not to seek help, unless you believe they’re at risk of harming themselves or others (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). That doesn’t leave you with nothing to do, but it does change what you focus on. What you can do when someone won’t get help covers what can still help them, if you haven’t tried those things yet.

If living with it frightens you

Someone you live with might frighten you, control your money, check where you go and who you see, or hurt you. If this is happening, your safety comes first, and it isn’t something for you to fix. 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732, around the clock, for domestic, family and sexual violence. In an emergency, call 000.

Couples counselling is not the answer where there’s violence or coercive control. Joint sessions can make things more dangerous, because one person then has to go home with the other. Things that can feel like a mental health problem covers this, along with other situations where therapy isn’t the first thing you need.

Looking after yourself

Look after your own physical and emotional needs (healthdirect, on looking after yourself). Talk about how you’re feeling, and about what this is doing to your own life. If their behaviour is affecting you, notice your own feelings and deal with them separately (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018).

Getting help for yourself isn’t giving up on them. It’s help with the part of this that’s yours to carry.

What help for you can look like

Researchers have looked at programs designed for family members of people with long-term mental health conditions or drinking and drug problems (Sampogna and colleagues, 2023). These programs mostly teach family members about what they’re dealing with, or offer them support. The quality of the research ranged from very low to moderate, and it’s about programs for family members, not about individual therapy for them. For many family members, those programs eased the strain they felt or improved their wellbeing.

A therapist or Counsellor Someone trained to help people talk through and work on difficulties. The title isn't protected in Australia, so it's worth checking a counsellor's training and registration. Medicare doesn't give a rebate for counsellors. More in the jargon decoder can help you work out:

Where your limits are.
What you can carry, and what you can’t.
Whether to stay, without anyone deciding for you.
How to grieve the person you hoped they’d be, while they’re still here.

Whoever you see, how well you work together matters more than the type of therapy. Why who you see matters more than what they do explains why. You don’t need a diagnosis to see someone about this, and therapy has no test you have to pass first. Whether things are bad enough is the wrong question explains more.

Where to start

You don’t need the other person to agree, or to know.

Relationships Australia is a not-for-profit organisation with services in every state and territory. It offers counselling for individuals as well as for couples and families.

Carer Gateway is an Australian Government program with free support for carers, including counselling and peer support (healthdirect, on looking after yourself). It’s on 1800 422 737, Monday to Friday, 8am to 5pm. It’s worth asking whether you’re eligible.

There are several ways to pay for therapy:

Full fee. Seeing a private Psychologist Someone trained to assess mental health problems and treat them with therapy. It takes at least six years of study and supervised practice, and they're registered with Ahpra, the national regulator. Psychologists can't prescribe medication. More in the jargon decoder , counsellor or Psychotherapist Someone trained in therapy, often for longer-standing patterns. Like counsellor, the title isn't protected in Australia, and Medicare doesn't give a rebate for psychotherapists. More in the jargon decoder directly. Medicare Australia's public health insurance scheme. For mental health, it gives rebates on sessions with psychologists and some other professionals, usually through a Mental Health Treatment Plan. More in the jargon decoder doesn’t cover counsellors or psychotherapists.
Workplace programs. Many employers pay for a few sessions for their staff.
Community services. Non-profit organisations and local community health centres provide low-cost care.
headspace A national youth mental health service for anyone aged 12 to 25, with centres around Australia and support online and by phone. It's free or close to it, you don't need a referral or a parent, and you can book it yourself. More in the jargon decoder . headspace offers free or low-cost support for people aged 12 to 25.
Groups. Group therapy A trained professional, sometimes two, working with several people at once. It's a way of running therapy, and many approaches work in groups. More in the jargon decoder programs, which usually cost less per session.
A Mental Health Treatment Plan A document your GP writes with you. It makes you eligible for a Medicare rebate on up to ten individual sessions a calendar year: six, then a review with your GP, then the remaining four. The plan itself isn't therapy. More in the jargon decoder . Your GP (general practitioner) For most people, where getting help starts. A GP can write a Mental Health Treatment Plan, prescribe medication and refer you on, and some are trained to deliver a small number of structured therapy sessions themselves. More in the jargon decoder assesses whether a plan suits you. A plan gives you a Medicare Rebate The amount Medicare pays back towards a session. It comes back to you after you've paid, so what you pay yourself is the fee minus the rebate. More in the jargon decoder on up to ten sessions a calendar year.

Free and low-cost options has more on each of these.

You can ring support services about another person, including Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. You don’t need their permission to ask for advice about how to help. If you’re under 18 and living with this, Kids Helpline is there for you to talk to any time, about anything.

If you’re worried they might hurt themselves or someone else, or it’s all getting too much for you, the numbers below are there any time.

If things are difficult right now, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service is on 1300 659 467, and Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800 for anyone aged 5 to 25. In an emergency, call 000. Crisis and emergency support has the full list.

Where next

How to find a therapist covers where to look for someone to see about this, for yourself.