All pagesTherapy Guide
Urgent help

Supporting someoneRead

How to start the conversation

You’ve noticed someone isn’t themselves, and you want to say something, but you’re not sure how to begin or you’re worried about getting it wrong. You don’t need to be sure something’s wrong before you say anything. Noticing a change is enough reason to ask. This page covers how to prepare, what to say, how to listen, and what to do if they don’t want to talk.

If you’re worried about their safety

If you’re worried they might hurt themselves, when you’re worried someone isn’t safe covers how to ask and what to do. If someone is in immediate danger, call 000.

Before you start

Think about whether you’re the best person to raise it, or whether someone else might be better placed. You can ask them whether they’d rather talk to someone else. Choose a time when you both have time to talk, and somewhere private where you’re both comfortable (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018).

R U OK?, an Australian suicide prevention charity, suggests asking yourself whether you’re in a good place to do this, and whether you’re ready to really listen (R U OK?).

Starting the conversation

Mention the specific things that have made you worried about them (R U OK?). Tell them you’re worried about them and that you’d like to help, then ask whether they’d like to talk about how they’re feeling (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). Don’t use labels or the language of a diagnosis. Talk about what you’ve noticed, not what you think it is.

For example, you could say:

  • “I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself the last few weeks, and I wanted to check how you’re going.”
  • “You’ve seemed really flat lately. Do you want to talk about it?”

Be ready for any reaction when you bring it up, including relief, not seeming to care, or anger.

Listening

Guidelines for the public, agreed by people with lived experience, carers and mental health professionals, suggest the following (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018):

  • Let them finish. Listen without judging, and without interrupting, especially to share your own opinions or experiences.
  • Say back what you heard. Before adding your own thoughts, say back what you’ve heard.
  • Ask open questions. Ask “How are you feeling?” rather than “Are you feeling sad?”
  • Leave room. Pauses and silences are fine. They may need time to find the words.
  • Use their words. Use the same words they use for what they’re going through.

Caring about them matters more than saying all the right things. Some people find it easier to talk while doing something else, such as over a cup of tea or on a walk.

What doesn’t help

Telling them to “snap out of it”, “get over it”, “pull yourself together” or “cheer up” doesn’t help (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). Saying something meant to be positive, such as “you don’t seem that bad to me”, can come across as dismissive. Nagging and confrontation don’t help either. Raising it with a group of people at once can feel like an ambush.

If they don’t want to talk

If they don’t want to talk, don’t pressure them. Let them know you’re there when they’re ready (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). If they’re not comfortable talking to you, encourage them to talk to someone else.

Don’t criticise them. Tell them you’re still worried about the changes you’ve noticed, and that you care about them (R U OK?). Check in again later. Putting a reminder in your calendar to call them in a couple of weeks helps.

What you can do when someone won’t get help covers what you can do if they keep saying no.

If they’re open to getting help

If they want help, you can offer to find someone for them to see and help them make the appointment (healthdirect, on helping someone). You can also offer to go with them and wait, or go in with them if they’d like. How to find a therapist and what to say when you book cover the next steps.

Be clear about what you can and can’t offer, and don’t make promises you can’t keep (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). Ask them whether what you’re doing helps, and what else would.

Afterwards

If you feel upset or worn out after the conversation, look after yourself (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). If you’re under 18 and worried about a friend, Kids Helpline is there for you to talk to as well.

If the conversation leaves you worried about their safety, or your own, the numbers below are there any time.

If things are difficult right now, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service is on 1300 659 467, and Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800 for anyone aged 5 to 25. In an emergency, call 000. Crisis and emergency support has the full list.

Where next

If the person you’re worried about doesn’t think anything’s wrong, others say I’m not okay and I think I’m fine is written for someone in their position.