They won’t get help — what can I do?

When someone you care about is struggling, watching them go through it is hard. It might be a partner, a parent, a son or daughter, or a friend. You may have tried to bring it up, only to be told they’re fine, or to leave it alone. This page covers what you can and can’t do when an adult doesn’t want help, what to do if you’re worried about safety, and where to find support for yourself.

What you can and can’t do

An adult has the right not to seek help, unless you believe they’re at risk of harming themselves or someone else (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). Pressure, tricks and threats can turn someone off getting help altogether. You can’t make an adult get help, but there’s a lot you can do that doesn’t depend on them saying yes. You can find out what’s getting in the way, and make help easier to reach. You can let them know they can come to you later, tell their GP (general practitioner) For most people, where getting help starts. A GP can write a Mental Health Treatment Plan, prescribe medication and refer you on, and some are trained to deliver a small number of structured therapy sessions themselves. More in the jargon decoder what you’ve noticed, and get support for yourself.

When safety comes first

If you’re worried about anyone’s safety right now, that comes before anything else on this page.

If you think they might hurt themselves or someone else. The safety of everyone involved comes first, and that can mean calling emergency services (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018). If someone is in immediate danger, call 000 and, if it’s safe, stay with them. When you’re worried someone isn’t safe covers what to say and what to do.
If you’re frightened of them. This includes when the person you’re worried about frightens you, controls your money, checks where you go and who you see, or hurts you. Your safety comes first, and this isn’t something for you to fix by helping them. 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732, around the clock, for domestic, family and sexual violence. In an emergency, call 000.

Find out what’s in the way

If they don’t want help, try to find out why, because people have specific reasons (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018).

They feel nothing will help. Does therapy actually work? covers what the research shows, including who it doesn’t help.
The cost. Free and low-cost options covers what’s available, including options that cost nothing.
They don’t have a doctor they like. Helping them find someone they’re comfortable with can matter more than which kind of help it is.
They’re worried about what would happen, including being sent to hospital. What happens in a first session explains what a first appointment with a therapist usually involves.

Some of those worries may come from a misunderstanding about what getting help involves, and others you may be able to work through together. If they don’t want professional help, you can give them information about what support there is and how to get it (healthdirect, on helping someone). You can offer to find someone for them to see and help them make the appointment. You can also offer to take them to the appointment and wait, or go in with them if they’d like.

If they still don’t want help, let them know they can come to you if they change their mind. You can show you care without expectations or pressure, even just by checking in regularly. How to start the conversation covers what to say, and what tends to work well.

If it’s drinking or drug use

For drinking or drug use, the Approach (modality) The kind of therapy someone uses, such as CBT or psychodynamic therapy. You'll also see it called a modality. More in the jargon decoder with the most research is Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT). It teaches family members a calm, positive way of communicating instead of confrontation (Roozen and colleagues, 2010). A review of four trials, with 264 family members, compared it with a support group or a confrontational “intervention”. Family members who learnt CRAFT were at least twice as likely to get the person into treatment. The trials were small. It’s worth asking a GP whether there’s support for families near you.

Talking to their GP

You can tell someone’s GP or health professional what you’ve noticed, and listening to you doesn’t break the person’s Confidentiality What you tell a therapist is kept private, within limits. Broadly, the limits are a serious risk to your life or someone else's, and a court order for your records. There may also be a legal duty to report concerns about a child's safety. More in the jargon decoder (Ryan and colleagues, 2014). As a general rule, the GP needs the person’s permission before telling you anything about them. The GP may not be able to tell you what happens next, but what you say can still help them understand what’s going on.

Help for you

Worrying about someone who won’t get help is hard, and you can get help for yourself whether or not they do.

Look after your own physical and emotional needs. It’s also what lets you keep supporting them (healthdirect, on looking after yourself). Talk about how you’re feeling, and about what this is doing to your own life. If their behaviour is affecting you, notice your own feelings and deal with them separately (Mental Health First Aid Australia, 2018).

You can ring support services about another person, including Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. You don’t need their permission to ask for advice about how to help. The Suicide Call Back Service and 1800RESPECT both take calls from people supporting someone else.

Carer Gateway, an Australian Government program, offers free support for carers, including counselling. It’s on 1800 422 737, Monday to Friday, 8am to 5pm. It’s worth asking whether you’re eligible.

When they’re not going to change covers what therapy can offer you when the person you’re worried about isn’t going to change.

If you’re under 18 and worried about someone, Kids Helpline is there for you to talk to any time.

If things are difficult right now, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service is on 1300 659 467, and Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800 for anyone aged 5 to 25. In an emergency, call 000. Crisis and emergency support has the full list.

Where next

If they decide to see someone, and the phone call is the hard part, what to say when you book covers the call.